Friday, August 18, 2017

A Glimpse Back at the "Real Me"

So, I've been SO FOCUSED on business over the past year, and especially the past 5 months or so, that I have not kept up in any real capacity with blog posts. For that I apologize. I consider this world a home to me - it clothed me in acceptance and love when I was showing the cross of infertility and inadoption, and when I was terrified to reveal the results of the 'other cross', I was again met with more love and understanding than I could have ever fathomed.

This is the kind of post I would usually just put on my Private Blog, until the time is right to put out my book. (Oh, yes. A book will be coming. About that "other" cross which lead to the recent and personal events in my life.) But, here in this space, I feel safe enough to talk a *bit* more freely, in general, in an effort to re-establish that connection with the group of comers and goers who have kept this blog going... nay, kept ME going. When I thought I had given all I had to give.

And so.



How is this me? How could I have let this happen? How do I now live a life in a state of limbo?

This is what is being asked of me, in this time. As I mentioned here before, I will be petitioning the Tribunal to request that they look into the factors surrounding conditions before, leading up to, and on the wedding day. My soul has always sought Truth. I need to know the Truth, so that I know how to process all that has transpired since the wedding (11 years ago, tomorrow). I pray for an expedient answer, but I prepare for a lengthy journey ahead - of living in limbo. Not knowing. Not being able to plan, or process, or fully heal myself quite yet.

Thanks be to God, I got the final nudge I needed to get my behind into Spiritual Direction, which I began a couple months ago. The exact place I needed to be. Father V. has helped me to realize that this next year of my life needs to focus upwards, not necessarily "forward." I also have to begin shifting my loyalty and obligations from my son's father onto my relationship with God and my vocation as His daughter, and Robbie's mother.

OK, quick detour.

Have I talked about this kid, lately??

For realz, people. And he was saying, "Body of Chwist." Just, ...can't get enough of his stinking face.
Alright. Maybe around 6:45pm I can, at times, say I've had enough of his stinking face. He is 2, after all. But, I digress.

Back to Spiritual Direction. Father V. wants me to approach this limbo as a time of getting back on track with God, and thinking about it as a way to quickly become much closer to Him and His plans for me and Robbie in a year, than if I went about this any other way and wound up taking a much longer road that veered way off course. This concept came easily to me, as I was just about to finish my 12th annual Consecration to Mary - and Robbie's very special Feast Day.

OK, another digression to remind you all of this most happiest moment in my entire world:

Ack! I was so nervous!! And, as I'll discuss more in my book (wink, wink), it was both a blessing and a curse that I was blissfully unaware of conditions of the 'other cross' at this moment. Sealing it as still my happiest moment in my entire world :)

So for those who have been around for a while, or are back again after being here in my early years (I should probably apologize for early TCIE, now - blah), you know just how patient I am and how I just LOVE LOVE LOVE to wait. For you, Jesus? Anything! 

Yyyyyyyyyyeah... maybe not.

Limbo was, is, always will be my kryptonite. The limbo of not knowing - will we ever conceive? Will we ever be approved to adopt? Will we ever be allowed to foster? Will we be forever childless? Will we, will we, will we...?? It was the NOT KNOWING that absolutely ripped me to shreds and destroyed any last notion of "planning" I may have had for my life. I lived in the limbo, not always so fruitfully, often just going through the motions of a day, with apathy and lots o' fatigue.

God tried His darndest to bring me through that 8 year limbo with infertility/inadoption, IN ADDITION to the limbo of back-and-forths of the 'other cross,' in an effort to teach me patience and trust.

Clearly, I still have more to learn. 

This time, it is different circumstances, different emotions at play with a son that I need to both financially support and nurture and teach. While different, it is so eerily, and very much the same.

The waiting. The not knowing. The inability to plan ahead. The not knowing where, or with whom I belong as part of a "group" of peers. The watching of others get, have, and keep what their heart desires. Seeing others receive quick answers, quick rewards for their efforts. The prayers, ohhhhhh the prayers, that seem to go unanswered. The Saints who seemingly favor everybody else ;P The agony of wanting some kind of definition, to live out my vocation as fully as I possibly can. The complete, utter, and PAINFUL misunderstanding of others who have never personally dealt with this cross not knowing what to say, not being supportive, being unintentionally or even at times intentionally hurtful, giving crappy, or unsolicited, or anti-Catholic advice...

It is all so very much the same.

God knows this. And He knows my heart. He knows I needed a full-out complete scrubbing and purging of my pride. Infertility? Done. Flip me over, start on the other side.

Lest you think I'm oh so holy and receptive to this, let me tell you. There have been tears. There have been temptations. There have been cries and shouts and mourning and depression and anxiety.
Spiritual Direction has helped immensely. So have amazing friends - all of whom I met through this blog. That ain't no coincidence, folks.

I am a divorced Catholic woman. I am my own oxymoron. It will not define me. Instead, I choose to allow it to work its course on me and through me, so that by the time that book is ready to be released, it can be a source of hope and strength for others dealing with that secret cross even more worthy of being hidden and undisclosed than infertility. Over this next year, Lord, please work in me so that my words become Your words.

*And if it's not too much to ask... let it be a quick and speedy year?

PPS... that Webinar is totally coming. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want it to be awesomely amazing, but at this point I may just settle for "HI, everyone! Sooo! Whatch'ya doin'??"

Monday, July 3, 2017

Holistic Fertility Options - FREE LIVE WEBINAR!

I am gearing up to host my very first LIVE (and free!) Webinar on truly holistic, comprehensive and individualized fertility and health options for couples.

I would love your feedback on what are your greatest needs at this time, so I can cater the webinar FOR YOU!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I'll update here with the Webinar dates, be on the lookout this summer!

Monday, May 22, 2017

St Rita - and the Real Reason I Have Loved Her

Today is the Feast Day of one of my most beloved Saints, a patron of the impossible causes, hopeless cases, difficult marriages, and yes, infertility. It was only brought to my attention that she is a patron for infertility a few years into the journey, when another blogger who had a particular devotion to St Rita told me all about it. She quickly became one of my favorite Saints, and not just for the infertility connection.

The difficult marriages. And other patronages connected to it. That was an incredible source of strength and devotion for me to this powerful, while intimidating, Saint. While Saint Gianna would always hold a special place in my heart, she was also in a loving, holy, Sacramental marriage that was an inspiration and model for so many other couples. Their love letters to each other have been published, which is so beautiful (if you haven't read them, yet).

But, that was not something I could really connect to with Saint Gianna. I strove for it, sure. But, couldn't ever connect.

Saint Rita, and her circumstances? A whole other story. I felt like I had finally been brought to a Saint I could fully get on board with, someone who knew what I was up against. And in 2013, when things really began to go down? She was my fortress.

While I cannot and will not get into specifics here on this public blog, I do feel it prudent to speak to what are NOT the reasons for this divorce. On this day, Saint Rita's Feast Day, and the woman who I focused on as my personal role model in continuing a marriage despite all signs pointing to major problems, I think it is important to clarify reasons that were not the ultimate reasons for this decision - after 10 years and 2 separations before it. Why? Why is it important to clarify these non-reasons? Because marriage is a Sacrament, marriage is work, marriage is a Cross to embrace, and marriage is ultimately the salvation of those who are within it. And my circumstances, while not public-ready, yet, are VERY particular to the point that those who do hear the whole story are stunned speechless. This is not your run-of-the-mill divorce. And the following are NOT the reasons for the divorce:

I have not been "happy," or "in love," since early in the honeymoon.

While true, this is not a reason to divorce. Love is a choice, it is not a feeling. I chose to love a man (who I thought I knew, which speaks more to the reasons behind looking into the validity of the vows), and I stood by that choice and still do. While it may not be a Sacramental love, it will continue to be a love as Christ taught us to love our neighbors and our enemies. Likewise happiness is not the ultimate goal of marriage, or anything in life, for that matter. The goal is heaven, not happiness on earth. While 95% of the time I was unhappy in my relationship, and the other 5% of the time I chose to give in to the denial and the picture that had been painted for me, that didn't matter AT ALL. And, it shouldn't.

I have not been emotionally supported.

I can sit here and list a million different ways in which I was not emotionally supported or fulfilled throughout the entirety of the relationship. But, who can't?? Seriously. While yes, it would be wonderful to at least have glimpses of support and Christ-like love from the person you are giving it to, it was not the lack thereof that dictated the necessity to separate.

He did not financially support, provide, or contribute.

Again, while true, there are many, many couples out there where the woman is the primary or sole provider, and that does not make their marriage invalid or mean that divorce is necessary. I may have had some unrealistic expectations from roles in marriage, just as I think most people do, especially the young. But, the journey is in adjusting to the new, learning to meet the challenges together, and overcompensating for periods of time when your spouse is particularly struggling. (The problem in our relationship is that the "period of time" was ongoing, and spiraling downward, never getting better. And still, this was NOT the reason.)

I will stop here, as I fear getting too lengthy will lead to one personal caveat after another, and I risk losing the privacy I need to maintain at this time.

The point is this:  There are more reasons nowadays to divorce than there are to get married. I believe that by seeking happiness, feelings of Hollywood-like love, a sense of complete emotional well-being, and financial security, we do ourselves a major disservice. I am not saying these things in and of themselves are BAD things to be avoided, heavens no! (Well, maybe the Hollywood love is, lol.) But rather, that seeking them out as the ultimate gifts or goal of marriage - because this is a recipe for disaster, and one that will lead to divorce every single time.

In my case, (you'd think with all the NaPro in my life, I would have been better at detecting this), it didn't boil down to these "symptoms" within the relationship, but rather, the underlying causes of the symptoms.

And that, my friends, is the topic of my someday book.

Saint Rita, Pray for Us!