Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Hidden Cross

Sometimes I use my blog as a diary.



Not in writing, but in reading. I'll go back to old posts, ones I thought were great that actually stink, ones I never really cared for that now I think, "Man, that's good advice... I should take that advice..." and then sometimes, like today, I go back for clarification.


I came across a Facebook memory today in which I simply asked "When did this become my life?" Now, as most of you know, infertility and everything surrounding it was a big part of my life - and was the theme of this blog for a very long time. But, I knew my status update from 2009 was more than that.  I knew what my readers didn't know: plainly, that I was living in quite another hell altogether, which defined my emotional state. Sure enough, I was right.

I found this post from that date.

In that post, I refer back to this one.


Then, later, after everything fell apart and then some, I wrote this one. I actually called that, end of January 2010, my Golgotha. BAHAHAHA. I was such an idiot.

Speaking of being an idiot, that post came immediately after this one, where I claimed that it was the solitary occurrence of Jan 2010 that would ruin our lives. Ummmm, no. It was the stuff that was causing all of the other sh*t, including what happened in Jan 2010, and what continued to happen thereafter, that was ruining lives.

Anyway, if you've been around since the age of the Catholic IF Blogger Dinosaurs (you know who you are), you've read these posts before. But, there were always lots of "infertility" posts in between to pretty things up and to help this other cross become hidden by the facade of this blog.

Until it cropped up again here.
And in this one that immediately followed it. When I finally took a looooooong sabbatical. Over, and over, and over again.
And the hidden cross that made itself inescapable in 2013? I've never discussed here. And likely never will. It is content for another media, my book, date of writing TBD ;)


But, it has been there, all along. And reading these posts again, I just want to go back to that younger and less seasoned version of TCIE and hug her, let her cry, let her finally talk about the hidden pain, and face reality. Infertility was easy to talk about. And oh, how I embraced the opportunity to pour all of my hurt into that cross I embraced. While the cross I refused to face was threatening me, daily...


And I accept it - now.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

I am resurrecting...

THIS POST.

From early November, 2013.

It is the middle of a Trilogy I wrote back in, what I thought then, was the worst year of my life.

And, I believe it can help many who suffer from infertility and miscarriage. I thought it then, too.

But.

I didn't write it about my own infertility.

Oh, no. On November 2, 2013, I had reached a make-or-break goal of a different kind. And there were all sorts of fears, concerns, worries, and pains along with it, that left infertility and inadoption as distant afterthoughts.

Reading it again, now, I am right back there. And, I'm choosing to heed my own advice from 4 years ago, today.

I hope this is able to bring you some renewed hope for your future, too.



Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Breaks for Growth

For those of you who have been around TCIE for a while (and by while, I mean close to a decade), you'll know that there were a few periods of time over the years when I would suddenly, often without warning, take breaks from writing regularly.

I wrote about one of those times here.


Now, it's time to be real with you.

I took those breaks because I NEVER wanted to write, share, and join in fellowship with my sisters in Christ and infertility without being 100% open and honest. As I intimated in that blog post above, I was *working* on things in my relationship. Now I know it was not we, but I.

Reading that old post, and remembering the other breaks I took from my blog before and after it is painful for me, now. Knowing that while trying to be honest with myself and with all of you, I was being deceived and manipulated. There was no we when it came to all of these times of hard, grueling work - work to heal not a relationship, which was not unlike many other relationships, but to heal a deeply-rooted, pre-existing, fundamental problem that was affecting every area of his life, and consequently, ours.

This may shock many of you, as I have been up to this point very secretive and what I thought was respectful towards the person with whom I shared a civil marriage.

And I do struggle with the desire to continue to love him as a brother in Christ, while no longer enabling, covering up, being sucked right into his lies and manipulation of others, and standing by watching him destroy his own life. It is a hard, and constant battle, and I just pray every hour by the hour to suffer this well, and to do all of this well.

You may have noticed I've been on a long "break" from writing regularly, once again. But this time is different. Unlike all of the times preceding this, my breaks were always intended for growth, namely marital. But they never actually produced the fruit I had intended. In many ways there was spiritual growth in those times, as I discovered more and more through the years just how much I needed to depend on God, and that the more I tried to heal something I could never heal, I was being sucked in and pulled down even deeper to a place of helplessness and rock bottom. I thought I needed to stay there. I thought there was nowhere to go but up, from rock bottom, and that it would surely come in God's time.

Then, Robbie.

And it was one thing to be committed to a life of lies, deceit, manipulation, and abuse by myself, putting only myself and my own soul at risk, as a dutiful wife or "martyr," or whatever other proud, self-loving term I could conjure up to make myself feel better about the life I was living. But, things got a bit more confusing with Robbie in the picture. Now, I was no longer sacrificing only myself. Yet still, divorce was not an option. It took another year of trying harder, trying differently, trying the same... to come to a place where divorce was still not the "answer" - but investigating the validity of the marriage was necessary. And safety and finances needed to be protected, civilly.

And so, this most recent series of breaks I've been taking from TCIE are in a much, much different vein than my previous times of solitude, of dark and hopeless despair, of surviving on and with only God. These breaks have been not for sinking further and deeper into a disease that was killing me slowly, but for what God is now doing in my life. He is allowing me to grow. He is supporting me to come up from under that rock's bottom, and start anew. I have grown more spiritually in this past year, and mostly past 4 months, than I have in the 15 years of dealing with another's illness and sins or in the 8 years of infertility and inability to adopt due to another's sins. Combined.

While, during this most recent break, I have also had moments of being anxious and worried and fearful for my and Robbie's future, I have also had more peace and more revelation than ever before.




It is a very odd thing, this God's plan for my life. Had I been given a glimpse of it at age 24, I think I would have started doing extreme sports and wrestling crocodiles ;P  But it was when I finally pushed my head out from under that rock's bottom that I thought I had to live under the remainder of my days, that God began TRULY working on my soul.

And so, I do apologize for the absenteeism. I shall return, again, for more than just glimpses at the work God has lead me to do in the realm of holistic fertility. (He also has me on a side-project starting a group in my area for others who struggle as the loved ones of those affected by the same sins and illness as Robbie's father. So, yes, He keeps me busy and the harder it gets, the more I can sense His support, love, and security.)

Until then, know that I am here, and I am growing. With Robbie. We are doing well, and we are getting better every day. All by the grace of God.